


Domo Revenire - To Return Home

by ravensilverwing



Series: Domo Revenire: To Return Home [1]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Illness, PTSD, post torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-19
Updated: 2010-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-07 09:16:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravensilverwing/pseuds/ravensilverwing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post torture, refers to torture, dark imagery, basically fucked up Tony.</p><p>After six months of torture Tony gets to go home. But nothing is ever that simple.</p><p>You can read this as a stand alone but I wrote it as a sequel to:</p><p>Apollon: Deprived of Multitude by penfet. I've just taken the original idea, a bunch of really creepy quotes and run with it. For those who have read it, this picks up exactly where the first part leaves off.</p><p>Apollon: Deprived of magnitude can be found at: http://www.ncisfiction.com/story.php?stid=01785</p>
            </blockquote>





	Domo Revenire - To Return Home

His head swivelled slowly, blue eyes turning back towards Tony.

“No.” One of the bug men spoke. “He’s not ready, you just saw...”

But He stared at the bug man till he was silent.

“You want to go? You want to leave your Talking Room?”

Tony watched the shifting eyes dancing round the room, then went back to watching His blue eyes, patient and waiting. He was supposed to be answering, talking. But he didn’t want to talk, he wanted to leave. The revelation a jack hammer ramming in his chest.

“I want to leave.”

His Talking Room was starting to smell and the Blood he was Borrowing was starting to turn brown.

“Alright.”And He was nodding, eyes fixed and steady, no hazel lies just nodding then talking but He wasn’t talking to Tony. “Get a plane ready. We’re leaving.”

“Agent...”

And His eyes swung away, staring the bug into silence.

“Yes sir.”

“Come on then DiNozzo, you’re with me.”

Words crawled up but got stuck, his feet welded to the floor. He was already turning but the bug men weren’t moving.

“Tony? You coming?” Snapping impatience.

His eyebrow was raised, staring at Tony over a shoulder.

“On your...”But the words got stuck again.

“Six Tony. You’re meant to say on your six.” Impatience. And something quieter. Gentle.

“Boss.” Triumph and his feet were moving, around the table, towards the door. Ignoring the bug men. If the bug men moved he could stop them, but He didn’t want Tony to, it was unacceptable. Unacceptable was unacceptable. Tony grinned and watched them flinch back.

Tony followed Him out the heavy metal door, out of his Talking Room.

“You want the numbers?” Offering as he got closer but there was wariness sweeping up his chest.

“I don’t give a rats ass about the numbers DiNozzo.”

He was turning a corner and walking into another room. Tony’s baulked, a bug man stumbled into his shoulder and he swung. Fists, arms, head butting, knee to groin. And Tony could hear Him cursing, shouting, even as He shoved him to the floor, rode out the bucking and pinned him face down.

There was noise everywhere, screaming, banging and it took Tony a moment to realise most of it was coming from him. But He was keeping him down, face pushed into cold concrete, His weight solid and heavy pinned against his back. Tony could feel a knee in his lower back, His hand on the back of his head. Then silence. It was sudden, a vacuum removing sound.

But it came back in snatches, between one breath and the next. Tony could hear Him breathing hard and fast. Voices talking above them. Bug men talking amongst themselves.

“Just get me a sedative.” He was demanding.

“I don’t think that’s...”

“That’s right Agent, you don’t think. You follow orders and I just gave one. Get me a damned sedative. NOW!” His voice was rising, yelling by the end and it was right. He was supposed to be yelling. Tony wasn’t supposed to be yelling. Tony was supposed to be a good boy and lay still, let Him do the talking. Let Him give orders and Tony was to follow them. Tony was to follow Him.

The hand on the back of his head was letting up a little. Tony had stopped struggling, stopped yelling, stopped moving at all except the quiet breathing.

“You hurt DiNozzo?”

The fingers were starting to shift and move. His hand was pulling back completely and that, that was wrong. Tony had done something wrong because His hand wasn’t supposed to move away it was supposed to...

“Tony you hurt?”

Tony wasn’t hurting any more. There’d been pain before and games and lies.

“Talk to me DiNozzo.” And His hand was resting warm and light against Tony’s head again, which wasn’t right but it wasn’t bad and it certainly didn’t hurt.

“Doesn’t hurt.” Tony’s voice was coming out just above a whisper, His weight was enough to make it hard to breathe.

“Give me your hands.” His voice was soft but it was an order, Tony was supposed to follow His orders. Tony was a good boy but...

“No.”

“No?” And He sounded so sure of Himself, that Tony was a good boy and would follow His orders.

“No.” Rubbing his cheek against the concrete as he shook his head.

“You don’t want to leave DiNozzo?”

A short pause as Tony thought about that. He wanted to leave but he didn’t want a new room. New games. New hazel eyes lies.

“No.”

“You want to go back to your Talking Room?” His voice was dropping down, getting softer, harder to hear but Tony was listening. He wanted to listen. He was tired of talking. Tired of the Talking Room.

“No.”

“You want a new Talking Room?” The words, His words were all polite but he couldn’t see His eyes. Couldn’t see the blue to check for hazel no matter how much he turned his head.

Tony hunched his shoulders and tried to twist, tried to turn but His knee, His hands, His body held him down no matter how hard he tried.

“Hey, hey, just lay still, we don’t have to get another Talking Room, we can stay right here.”

Tony bucked, tried to get a knee under his body. There was a rough little scuffle as He tried to keep Tony pinned, but Tony jerked, twisted, half rolled and suddenly He was breathing down onto his neck. Another buck and His blue eyes were inches away, grunting with effort, breath playing over his ear. Tony scanned, eyes flicking back and forth, body still but there was no hazel, no anger either just shock and sudden understanding. Then He was pulling back. Weight and heat peeling away inch by inch till He was gone. Tony rolled, twisted, turned onto his back, following His eyes, watching His hands hover, motioning bug men back.

A silent nod and He finally looked away.

“Where’s the sedative?”

“You can’t be seri...”

Sudden silence.

“You’re good now, aren’t you Tony.” Quirked half smile directed his way.

“I’m a good boy.”Nodding cause he was a good boy.

But He was wincing, blue eyes looking down at Tony, no hazel, no lies but there was something, something there that he had to, Tony had to it make it clear.

“I am. I’m a good boy now. I don’t talk to girls. Girls get between buddies and that’s wrong. I don’t even talk to Kate anymore and you, you’re not dead so it’s okay to talk to you, isn’t it?” Suddenly unsure, Tony had to be sure to be good. It was important to be good. He had to be good.

“Yeah Tony, it’s okay to talk to me.” Blue eyes steady. “And you know who I am don’t you.”

“No. But Kate said you’d come. I didn’t talk to her, I won’t, I don’t talk to her anymore. I promise. I’m a good boy. I won’t talk to her anymore.”

“Tony. Tony. It’s alright, it’s okay if you talk to girls now. You can...” And he was swallowing hard, “You can talk to Kate if you want to.”

“I’m glad you came back.” Because Tony was. “And I’m glad you’re not dead. Kate said you’d come. I just had to wait. And I did. I was good and you did, you came.” Smiling bright.

“Yeah Tony I did.”

But Tony could see Him breathing deep, even, His eyes tracking over his face. There was that thing there again. Not hazel but something else.

“Boss?”

“Yeah Tony?” But it was more statement than question. Acknowledging and oh, Tony got it.

“You’re the Boss.”

Tony got His secret smile. Small but Tony could see it. That was his smile. Not meant for anyone but Tony.

“Yup, I’m the Boss.” But His smile didn’t widen to encompass the rest of the hall, His face got serious. “Give me your hands Tony.” It wasn’t an order but He was serious.

“Why?”Wary. If He was that serious then it was important.

“I need to cuff your wrists.”

There weren’t any hand cuffs or bindings of any sort, hadn’t been for awhile now, how long Tony couldn’t tell but Tony could still feel them. The cuffs meant pain. Not as much pain as the chains which had hurt. Not as much as pain as the pliers or the screaming sounds or the sudden deafening silence or the lies, hazel lies but...

“I don’t think so.”

“I can’t take you on the plane without them.” His Blue eyes were sad but not lying.

Sad? Why sad? Tony wasn’t sad or hurt or...maybe He was disappointed. Maybe He’d leave him here, leave him in his Talking Room with his Borrowed Blood and padded walls and mirrored wall. Mirrored wall that only showed him talking to himself when there was supposed to be Kate. Kate was supposed to be talking to him but he wasn’t supposed to talk to Kate. Kate was a girl and girls got between friends and he was a good boy.

“I’m a good boy! I’ll be a good boy on the plane too! I promise! I promise I won’t talk to Kate anymore, I won’t and I’ll be really good.” Tony was begging, pleading. He remembered pleading in the beginning. Begging for them to stop and it hadn’t worked then. It wouldn’t work now. He had to...

Lashing out, punching Him square on the jaw, watching the blood fly from His mouth, across His cheek, a drop landing on His ear. His head snapping back even as His hands and knees pressed down. It wasn’t enough to hold Tony down this time and Tony could feel it. Just a few more hits, kicks, bucks and he’d be free. No more Talking Room, no more Borrowed Blood, no more chains and hazel lies and pliers, screams and silence.

Bug men crawling all over him, pushing him down, forcing him over, pulling his arms back, cuffing his wrists. Keeping him pinned as he kicked and screamed and cursed. Wriggling desperate.

And yet he could still hear Him, snapping, snarling, yelling orders and demanding.

“Where the hell is that sedative!”

***

Just another dream. Another waking dream. Wanting dream. Wanting Him to come. Wanting Him to _be here_. Sick of waiting. Sick of...just sick. Nausea rolled in Tony’s stomach. Making him groan. He tried to stretch in his chair, instead he startled at the hand on the back of his head. Eyes snapping open to sky. Open sky. Clouds. Sky? Bandaged hand and arm reaching across to gently pull the blind down. It was then Tony noticed the steady hum of engines. A second later to turn his head and confront His blue eyes watching him. One second, two and he jerked, pulled back, found his arms tied to the aircrafts armrests. A moment more writhing, trying to get free and he discovered his legs were also bound to the chair.

A bug man was suddenly standing in the aisle. Asking questions, looking unsure.

“He’ll be fine. Won’t you Tony?” Turning back to watch Tony try to shake the chair apart, His eyes direct, steady. “Told you I couldn’t get you on the plane without cuffing you, didn’t I?”

And He had but...

“Do you want another sedative?”Calm, watching him, waiting for an answer.

Tony didn’t, he didn’t want to sleep anymore, didn’t want to wake up somewhere else in another Talking Room, to more games and lies and...

“I said.”Pointed despite the fact Tony was still struggling. “He’s fine.”

“Yes Boss.” And the bug man scuttled off.

“You done DiNozzo?”

And He’d already turned back to face him, body closer than Tony liked but he couldn’t get free, couldn’t get away. Didn’t want to get away when His hand came up and rested on the back of his head. It still wasn’t right but it wasn’t wrong either.

“See now that’s better.” And His voice was warm, broken lip smiling.

“Where are we going?” Tony didn’t expect an answer but it was still a demand.

A long pause.

“I’m taking you home DiNozzo.”

Tony blinked. Turning his head shifted His palm to his ear, warmth licking up from the contact.

“Home?”

“You remember home DiNozzo? Pizza? Work? TV? Endless movie quotes?”

“Home?”Tony couldn’t understand why his eyes stung, vision blurring.

He just nodded.

“Yeah Tony, I’m taking you home.”

And Tony couldn’t understand why he’d ever hated Him, wanted to hurt Him. Except having a little piece of Him inside, His blood, any of Him was right. Just seeing the bandage was right and he could stop the last, final tests against the binds. He wasn’t going anywhere He didn’t want and Tony was okay with that. Tony was going home.

***

Screaming, lunging, kicking out at more bug men as they tried to keep him moving down the white hall. New hall with Talking Rooms, Talking Rooms everywhere. He’d lied! Home, He said Home but this wasn’t home! This was Talking Rooms. White, crisp, clean Talking Rooms. Not home. Not pizza. Not work. Not anything like home. Catching a stomach with his elbow, feet flying and landing kicks as he got airborne. They’d taken the feet restraints off sometime before he got off the plane. Tony was sure He had something to do with that but now He was gone and Tony was left raging in a new Talking Room Hell.

***

“He’s heavily sedated. Took six orderlies to get him into the room.”

A grunt.

“I’ll just leave you for a few minutes then, I’m sorry, I’ll have to secure the door on my way out.”

A long pause then Tony heard the door close and the lock engage.

“You awake DiNozzo?”

Tony jerked at the sound of His voice, tried to roll over to face the room, see His eyes.

“Alright, calm down, let me help.” Footsteps moving closer even as he struggled.

Tony felt His hands even through the heavy white fabric.

“Jesus DiNozzo.” His blue eyes were intense and blazing even in soft focus. A few rough shoves and he was on his side, staring into dim light, pools of darkness. The bed was a nice change at least. “Better?”

His hands were lingering, tracing the bruises around Tony’s eye, cheek, across his jaw. Leaving trails of warmth until they stilled.

“I don like this talling room.”

“I see you’re still talking despite the drugs.” Wry smile as He stroked the back of his head.

“Din talk.”

A palm covered the back of his neck, thumb trailing over his ear.

“I know Tony.”And He was so serious, voice low and soft.

“Not home!” Angry whine.

“I’m sorry. But I can promise no more Talking Rooms. This is a hospital.”

“Wan go home.” And Tony eyes were closing even as he pressed against His hand.

He could see Tony waning, falling into sleep.

“I know Tony.” He let himself stroke the back of his head. “I know.”

***

“Ah Anthony! So good to finally see you. Jethro tells me you’re still feeling a little under the weather but I...”

Bug Man! Pain Making Bug Man. Tiny, arm waving Bug Man invading his room. This is Tony’s room! Not a Talking Room. No more Talking Room, He promised no more Talking Rooms. So why is a Pain Maker Bug here? Forcing Tony to back up, pace against the far wall, furthest wall from the Pain Making Bug. But the Bug keeps moving closer, striding confident and smiling towards Tony. Tony flinches, snarls, pulls his arms closer, tight against his chest.

“Unacceptable.” Tony’s head was shaking, eyes darting. Watching the Pain Maker. “Unacceptable is unaccept...”

But the Pain Maker Bug was reaching out, was going to make Pain and Tony couldn’t let him. Couldn’t let him. Wouldn’t let him! Not again!

Then there were other bug men scurrying around trying to get Tony to let the Pain Maker go, but no. No this bug man was Tony’s . And he was only squishing him a little, just a little. Wasn’t even making him leak. Just making him cry out against the bed as Tony pushed him down, arms twisted up behind his back. And He wasn’t there to stop Tony. No one was going to stop Tony this time. This time Tony was going to make the Pain Maker pay, and pay, and pay.

***

“I’m so sorry Jethro. When you said he was doing better, I’d hoped another friendly face would...” It was hard to talk around the bruises and swollen jaw.

“Send him into a psychotic break Duck? Of course I can see how that’d be helpful.” Sarcastic barbs flying, He refused to tear his eyes away from the video feed.

Tony was strapped to the bed, so heavily sedated it was unlikely he even knew where he was or what was going on. Or maybe he knew exactly what was going on and it was destroying any chance they had of bringing him back from that torture room hell. Six months. Six fucking months. It was too long, He’d taken too long. He threw his half empty coffee cup at the waste basket, it exploded against the rim, dark rain splattering against the wall.

“No one comes here.”Turning on him, Blue eyes blazing. “You understand me. No one! Not you, not McGee and sure as hell not Abby!”

“And Miss David?” Standing up to his full, though shorter height. It pulled his back in unpleasant ways. Reminded him that he really should get it looked at before he left.

“Knows better than to go into a mad mans room without back up!”Snarling now.

“Jethro!”Shocked, aghast.

“No one Ducky! You understand me?” The stare was a demand, not a request.

There was no chance for a reply as He turned back to the video feed.

“You can’t help him Duck.” A bitter smile. “He’s still breathing.” As He walked away.

***

Fingers. His hand brushing warmth through Tony’s hair. Tony could move if he wanted to, but he didn’t think he wanted to. Tony liked the fingers too much, liked the warmth, liked His hands. His hands that pressed heat against his back, warmth up over his neck. If Tony moved He’d stop. He was sure of that. Even if He never did. Always touching, always warm and smelt like wood shavings. Calluses rough against the skin of his neck, trailing pathways up over his ear. Thumb hovering then resting there. Soft like a feather. But warmer. Feathers weren’t warm. Feathers were cold and frozen and...he couldn’t remember but they weren’t warm like His hands.

“You’re supposed to be sleeping DiNozzo.” Secret smile amusement.

He wasn’t mad, didn’t think Tony was a bad boy, thought he was a good boy. Because Tony _was_ a good boy. Wouldn’t squash the bug men, wouldn’t scare the food people. He would be still and quiet around the girls. Not because He’d asked him to, but because Tony didn’t talk to girls. Tony was a good boy. Girls came between buddies and bosses and He was The Boss. Tony’s Boss. He would do whatever He told him to do. So no more squashing bug men cause unacceptable was unacceptable. Tony smiled.

“Go to sleep Tony.” His voice was quiet, soft, but Tony would listen, Tony would always listen, Tony would do whatever He said. Even if he wasn’t tired. Tony would go to sleep because He said so.

“Okay Boss.” Smiling into the pillow he’d made of His thigh, arm wrapped round His calf. Tony closed his eyes and went to sleep. Because he was a good boy and good boys did what they were told.

 

***

He found Abby in the hospital foyer, pale and shaking.

“Tell me you didn’t.” And His voice was only partially forgiving.

“I just thought...”

“Well you thought wrong!” And He was snapping, no trace of forgiving now. “I told you not to come here. I told all of you to stay the hell away. What the hell did you think you were doing?” Voice rising in anger.

“I just...I wanted to see him Gibbs! Tony’s our friend too and he’s hurting and I just wanted to...”

“Wanted to see him caged like an animal? Pacing and lashing out at everyone that comes within six damn feet of his door? Is that how you wanted to see him Abby? Is it?”

“No.”She couldn’t even meet His eyes.

“You really think I’d have kept you away if I thought you could help? If I thought he’d want you to see him like that?” Angry finger pointing back down the hall. “So did it help _you_ Abby? You feeling better now you’ve seen him, ha?”

By that stage there were tears and He knew He was a bastard. Knew it but...

“You’re right, I shouldn’t have...”

“No you shouldn’t.”His voice was already dropping, getting softer.

“He’s really messed up Gibbs!” And He had an armful of pretty black pigtails and short tartan skirt.

It’d be easy to hug her, say the right things and take it all back. But He couldn’t this time. He could hug her, carefully stroke her back but.

“He’s going to be alright Abby, you just need to stay away.”

Her red eyed, tear stained face was nodding, pulling away.

“I’m sorry Gibbs.”

“It’s not me you need to apologise to.”

Then He was striding down the hall wondering what the hell He was about to walk in on.

 

***

He’d seen rabid dogs with better self control. Rabid dogs that didn’t throw themselves against the steel door repeatedly, screaming and baring red tinged teeth to the small observation window.

***

He was out there, Tony knew that. Ached, craved, wanted, was desperate for Him to get the hell _in here_. He even knew it wasn’t going to happen unless he calmed the fuck down but he couldn’t. That bitch. Black hair, child’s pigtails, blood tainted lips. He was a good boy damnit! He was good. He didn’t talk to girls. He stayed away from girls. Girls came between friends. Between friends and buddies and bosses and...She was getting between him and his Boss! She’d flaunted the fact she worked with Him. Had gladly told Tony she’d spoken to Him, that He’d told her all about Tony. Where he was. What he was doing. How bad he was at the moment. He wasn’t bad, he was good. Good boy damnit! He was a Good Boy!

“DiNozzo that’s enough!” Now He was mad, He was angry at Tony because of her! “Get away from the door Tony.”

“I didn’t Do anything!”Snarling and part of him realised that snarling wasn’t going to get Him _in here_ any quicker.

“I believe you Tony.”And His voice was quiet now, not yelling, not angry anymore. “Just step away from the door.”

“Is she gone?”

“Yeah Tony. She’s gone now.” He sounded so calm, not angry anymore.

“I’m a good boy! I’m not bad anymore.”

“I know that Tony.”

“Stop calling me that! Stop saying it! I’m not...I am...I don’t want...Don’t say it anymore! I don’t want to hear it!” Breathing ragged, fine drops of spit spraying over the glass in the door.

Silence.

“What don’t you want me to say?”Clear but missing something, he was missing something, couldn’t _see _Him to get what he was missing.

“Tony!”And he was laughing. “Just tell me the numbers Tony. I’ll let you go Tony. I’m sorry about all this Tony!”Hysterical, he was hysterical, laughing at all the lies. “That gets funnier every time I see it Tony!” And he was crying. Liar. Hazel eyes and lies.

“Anthony, if you step away from the door I can come in.” His voice was always so smooth, so clear and right now impeccably calm. No hiccups, no hitches, no sobbing and snot.

A sound of protest from someone else outside, on the other side of the door, but Tony moved anyway. If they wanted to sedate him that was fine and dandy with him. The door swung slowly open.

“Why don’t we sit on the bed?”

“Gonna sedate me again?” But he was already sitting on the edge of the thin mattress, watching Him get closer and sit by his side. Tony didn’t bother looking up, didn’t need to look to see the nodding going on there.

“Yeah. You think you can let them do that?”

Tony shrugged. It wasn’t like he had a choice. His shoulders dropped but he held his arm out, he was a good boy, he’d do whatever they asked. Whatever He asked. A male nurse was approaching slowly.

“This ah...this one needs to go in your shoulder.”

A glance but His blue eyes were steady, He wasn’t leaving, running away like that bi...Tony could feel his muscles tensing.

“It’s going to sting a little.”

Tony’s head swung so fast he felt the crack in this neck like a blow, but before he could move His hands were holding Tony’s wrists. Tight, confining.

“Calm down Anthony. The man just needs to give you a shot.” Level, everything about Him level. Blue eyes clear, steady, forcing him to pay attention.

He wanted to pull away, wanted to use his fists, feet, to fight back.

“Just a shot. Then he’ll be gone.”

“You’re...”

“I’ll be staying.” Blue eyes sincere, no hazel, no lies.

“Fine.” And Tony knew he sounded belligerent but it felt good to be belligerent. Not to cower and be good and to...He wanted to be good. Wanted to be good for Him, he just, Tony knew he wanted something, knew not being good would get it but...

Tony barely noticed the needle go in, didn’t notice the sedative slide down the barrel and into his arm. He noticed how close the nurse got, how his hands wiped the alcohol swab quick and efficient over his skin before and after the shot. Noticed he was bigger than most of the bug men.

“Unacceptable is unacceptable.”Tony muttered then looked over just in time to see His secret smile.

“Yes it is.” His voice was low, spreading His secret smile into the words.

He stayed, even when the sedative kicked in. When Tony was curled on his side under the covers and couldn’t keep his eyes open. Tony liked the feel of His hand on the back of his head, warm and heavy as He talked about His boat. How He’d managed to sand most the rough patches out of the stern and could start with...Tony wasn’t sure by that stage, he was just drifting on His voice and His hand and not paying much attention to His actual words. Just letting His voice wash over him and rock him into sleep as He stood and started talking to more bug men.

 

***

Tony saw one particular bug man more than the others. This one reminded him of the Talking Room and hazel lies and he didn’t want to Talk in this Not Talking Room. So he didn’t. It seemed to frustrate the bug man which made Tony all the more certain he didn’t want to talk at all. He reminded Tony of numbers and screaming silence and pain. Chains and pliers and a broken radius that refused to heal. Tony found himself running fingers over the scar where the skin had broken red and raw around white. It made his stomach roll but it made the bug man quiet too.

***

“He won’t co-operate with therapy.”

“And you expect me to be surprised by this?” Gibbs was bemused they’d even bother Him with the pointedly obvious.

The doctor shifted uncomfortably.

“He keeps saying ‘unacceptable is unacceptable’.” The doctor’s look was pointed this time.

“Last I checked I wasn’t a doctor, Doctor.” Eyes hard behind the coffee cup He was raising to His lips.

“You know what he’s talking about.”

Gibbs looked out the window then into His now empty coffee cup.

“Yeah. I do.”

“Are you going to enlighten me?” The doctor demanded.

“Don’t you think you should be asking him about this?”

“I’m asking you.”

“Ask him.” He got up and left.

***

 

“Anthony.”

That was a voice he didn’t want to ignore. A voice he was happy to bounce to his feet for, searching through the glass in the door for blue eyes. The door unlocked and swung open on well oiled hinges.

“Boss.”Tony didn’t even have to be false with the cheerful.

“Talk to the damn therapist.”

Tony just blinked.

“Don’t play dumb DiNozzo. The little guy with the flaming red hair. He’s your therapist. You’re supposed to talk to him.”

“He wants to know the numbers? You want me to tell him the numbers?” Way beyond wary into unaccustomed, full blown disbelief. Tony still remembered the numbers. Somewhere. He’d hidden them away, locked them deep down inside but they were his numbers. His! Not the bug men and He said He didn’t care about the numbers. He said He didn’t want them. Tony searched His eyes but there was no hazel. Nothing. Brief confusion but no hazel.

Finally there was a softening in the blue and He was moving closer.

“They’re your numbers Anthony. You don’t have to tell him the numbers.”

“You said this isn’t a Talking Room.” Suspicious.

There was silence for a moment then He sat on the chair they’d bolted to the floor by the window. His blue eyes were tracking Tony as he got up from the bed and sat in the other chair.

“Do you want to tell me about the Talking Room?”

“You want to know the numbers?” Tony wasn’t sure.

“I don’t give a flying fuck about the numbers Tony. I care about...”

But Tony was out of the chair and pacing.

“I told you not to say that! I told you...”

“Alright. I’m sorry, but Anthony you have to speak to the damn therapist.”

“That an order Boss?” And it was easy to follow it with a simple smile that sprung up without thought.

“Yeah DiNozzo, that’s an order.” But the secret smile was back on His face.

 

***

“I don’t like the bug man.”

“You’re not supposed to like him, just speak to him. No one likes their therapist DiNozzo.”

Silence. Tony couldn’t meet His blue eyes.

“Something the matter Anthony?” His voice was level, calm but there was something else, not anger, not impatience, Tony knew those ones but this was something new. It made Tony want to explain.

“He wants to know about the Talking Rooms.” Tony’s voice had dropped.

Level blue eyes followed by silence. Tony looked away.

“What about your Talking Room?” His voice was careful. Tiny feet over brittle ice.

Silence. It stretched on until His hand slowly covered Tony’s fingers, fingers which were stroking the radius break scar.

“Is that where you got this?”Soft, fingers stilling Tony’s, His eyes gently catching Tony’s.

“No.”

Heat was pooling down over the scar, Tony’s hand, His hand over Tony’s. He remembered thinking he’d never be warm again, because the room had been so cold, and he was probably going into shock. Fingers were brushing across his neck now, settling over the back of his head. Blue eyes settling into focus. Washed out of focus then back in again. Tony couldn’t stop blinking and his face was wet.

***

He could hear them frantically phoning Him but it didn’t matter, He wasn’t coming. He’d stopped coming days ago. First he’d cut back to three sometimes four visits a week, then nothing. Two weeks of nothing. He wasn’t coming back. If only Tony could figure out what he’d done wrong. He’d been good. He’d talked to the bug man. He didn’t like it but He’d given him an order and Tony’d followed it. Followed it like a good boy. Maybe he hadn’t done it enough. Maybe he’d done it wrong.

He couldn’t stop the muttering, talking to himself, Kate hadn’t come back and he shouldn’t be talking to her anyway, because he was a good boy. A good boy. Not bad. Not bad at all. He’d been so good. And still he’d failed. Had done something wrong. Something wrong and now He wasn’t coming back.

He just had to figure out what he’d done wrong. Had to sit and be still and think and wait. He’d figure it out. He had to figure it out. Hands under the table. Table that was bolted to the floor. Not looking out the window. Just staring. Thinking. He was thinking. He’d keep on thinking till he got it right. Figured it out. When he figured it out He’d come back. He would. He had to. He wouldn’t leave Tony here. Kate had promised. He’d come back. He wouldn’t leave Tony alone. Wouldn’t leave him behind. He’d come back. Tony just had to figure it out. Figure it out. Then He’d come back.

***

Tony created another strip from the thin blanket. Liar. Tore another length from the sheet. Hazel lies. Shredded the fraying corner of the comforter. He’d _been _good. Ignored the door as it swung open. Liar, liar, pants on...

“DiNozzo! What in hell are you doing?”

Tony jumped, lurched forward. Pile of cloth catching under his foot and he fell to his knees, back to the door.

“Anthony?”The footfalls were measured out, slow, heavy, so Tony could hear Him coming. Even the hand on his shoulder was carefully slow. Fingertips first then His palm.

“I...nothing Boss.”

He came back. He’d actually come back. Maybe he’d done something right after all. Or maybe this was the part where He started asking for the numbers like Sam had. Sam who’d lied. Who was really a...he lied! Hazel eyed lies. Sam who just wanted his numbers. Numbers like his fath...For his...Tony’s muscles had stilled and he knew He could feel them tense. Knew He was carefully easing His hand away to signal the others to stay back, stay away. The door was open and they were fine. Tony knew what He was doing. Knew without needing to see what was going on behind him.

“Why don’t we go outside?” It was a quiet invitation.

“Because I’m not allowed outside, Boss.” Twisting the word till it was ugly, not a good word from a good boy anymore.

“Doctor says you can go for a walk, clear your head a bit.”

He heard the protest die on the doctor’s lips. All it would take was a hard look from Him and...Tony looked up. There it was, that demanding ‘get out of my way’ stare. The one he’d come to know and...love or hate? He couldn’t remember. But he knew that stare. Knew it like he knew the secret smile. The one meant just for Tony. No one else. Just for him.

***

By the time they got back the room was clear. No shredded bits of anything. Just a fresh made bed with clean white sheets. He missed...missed his blue sheets. Blue like His eyes. Missed his own bed. Missed work. Missed home.

“I had to work.” Blue eyes were staring, making sure he was listening. “Two cases one after the other.”

Tony tried searching, looking for it, but there was no hazel. Just blue eyes.

“People died?”

“Not this time.” And He looked tired, just a glimpse of hazel.

“Someone died.” Tony was sure of it. But why would He lie?

“Yeah.” Sitting slowly. “Yeah DiNozzo, someone died.”

“I can handle it.”

“I don’t doubt it.” His lips quirking at the side. “Your doctor doesn’t think I should talk about it.”

“Bug man?”

Brighter smile. Head dipping to hide it’s curve.

“Yeah, Bug Man.”

“I’d like to hear about it.”

“Maybe some other time.” Serious. Eyes clear and direct now.

“You’re just saying that so you don’t have to talk about it now.” Tony pressed Him.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Promise?”

“I promise DiNozzo, we can talk about it later.” He was getting impatient.

“Despite what Bug Man says?” Tony couldn’t seem to stop pushing today.

“If I think you can handle it, I’ll tell you. If not, I won’t. Deal?” He was being open and honest.

“I think I can handle it.”

“Not today and that’s final. Understood?” He was direct, blue eyes serious. No hazel. No lies.

“Yes Boss.”

“So glad to hear it.”But the secret smile was back again and Tony couldn’t help the smile spreading across his own face. His wasn’t a secret smile, Tony liked to share.

 

***

“Thought you were working.” Tony’s jaw cracked on his yawn.

“I thought you were sleeping.” His voice was hushed in the darkness, only a square of light falling through the observation window.

“So why you here?” Tony could hear the slur, knew He could hear the drugs making him slur.

The sedatives were too strong, he couldn’t get up, could only lay and watch as He sat in the chair beside the bed. Feel His hand reach out and stroke the back of his head, heavy and slow.

“They called me, said you’ve been playing ball outside.”

Tony groaned.

“I didn’t start it.”

“But I hear you finished it.”

Another groan and he closed his eyes.

“One broken nose, two broken wrists...”

“I get it, alright, let it go.” He’d roll over if the sedatives didn’t make it so damn hard to move. Which Tony supposed was the whole point. Making it hard to move, hard to struggle, fight back or just plain fight.

“This has to stop Anthony.”

“Was only one little...”Tony was whining, hoping it would cover the lie.

But He was too good for that.

“They told me about the other fights DiNozzo.”

Damn.

“Self defence.”

“Against an orderly who just happened to be passing by?”

Silence.

“I can’t help it.” Barely a whisper.

His hand stroked against Tony’s skin, thumb brushing over his ear.

“I just...something happens and I freak. Then there’s blood every...” Sudden silence as Tony’s jaw snapped shut.

“What happens?”

“That’s what the bug man keeps asking.”

“So tell him.” Direct but He’s not being patronising, He knows it’s not that simple.

“I don’t know if I can.”

“So tell me.” And His voice is gentle.

“They get close, they get too close, it hurts.”

Long silence, long enough for Tony to force his tired eyes open again, try to look up through the dim light. His fingers are still, His hand just resting against the back of Tony’s head.

“This doesn’t hurt?”

A slow shake of the head.

“No.”

“Good.” And Tony doesn’t need to see to know He’s smiling.

***

It was late, which was why Tony knew who was being let into his room. Only He came this late at night. Tony let Him take the seat next to the bed before rolling over to look up at Him.

“You should be sleeping DiNozzo.”

“So should you Boss.”

“I’m not loaded with an arsenal of sedatives.”

“I asked for them to be cut back.”

“You asked?”

Tony couldn’t see His blue eyes in the darkness but he remembered that tone of surprise. He shrugged.

“Haven’t thrown a chair in weeks and the nurses seem to think I can sleep just fine on my own.”

“Good to know.”

“So what you got?”

“What makes you think I’ve got anything DiNozzo?”

A snort from Tony.

“Double homicide? Drive by? Terrorists?” Tony was pushing. “Come on Boss you promised.”

“You’re...”

“I know where I am Boss.”Quiet, serious. “And I know what I can take. If it’s on the list, hit me up.”

“Okay.”

***

He was chock full of sedatives the next night.

“Should have said no.” Speaking as His hand slid through Tony’s hair, the other resting on his shoulder.

“M’fine.”

He gently cuffed the back of his head. Tony froze, every muscle tensing, He couldn’t help but notice, a curse and an apology forming on His lips.

“D’tha gain.”Soft slur before He could still speak.

“Anthony I...”

“No...do tha gain.” Agitated but he couldn’t even move the sedatives made him so heavy.

Silence. He hadn’t moved, His hand just resting on Tony’s head now.

Tony cracked his eyes open to stare, dazed, confused but determined.

“Do that again.”

Resigned and exasperated He cuffed him over the head, being careful to keep it gentle. Now was not the time to set off another panic...

“Think I love you Boss.” Silly grin spreading, even as his eyes dropped and He watched him fall straight back into sleep.

***

“Have McGeek run a...” A jaw cracking yawn broke Tony’s thoughts. “His cell records against the dates and times.”

Tony didn’t need to look up to see Him smile. Knew it from the way He rubbed the back of his head.

“Don’t I get an Atta-boy?” Sleepy grin which made Him roll His eyes.

“Atta-boy Tony.” Stroking his head three times.

Tony’s grin got wider.

“Thanks Boss.” And Tony watched Him shuffle papers, pick up His cell and dial.

“Run the Lance Corporals phone records against the...And? No I’m at the hospital, why? Yeah. Do you have a point McGee?” Then the cell snapped closed. “No correlation.” And He was good enough not to sound patronising or nice. Just kept shuffling His papers and nudged his side.

“Damn.”

The disappointment was brief though.

“Was worth a try.”

***

 “Is that _pizza_ I smell?” Tony was up and off the bed, heading straight for the door.

The pizza had been a good idea then, He was chuckling.

“Always could smell me coming DiNozzo.”

“Pepperoni, sausage.” Sniffing for dramatic effect. “Extra cheese.” Followed by a soft moan and He was certain Tony would already be drooling.

“You are by far the best Boss, Boss.” And Tony was grinning, huge and sincere.

Smiling amused as He closed the door behind Him. Tony was actually rubbing his hands together.

“So what’s the occasion?”

That made Him still. Tony hesitated.

“Boss?” Frowning now.

“It’s your birthday Anthony.” Quiet, waiting, hoping he wouldn’t realise, that he wouldn’t connect the...

But Tony’s fell back, face going pale, blood draining fast, leaving him white, pasty, mouth dry. His feet stepping back, tripping over themselves to get away, press his back into the wall. Eyes wide and watching as He slowly bent, put the pizza box on the floor, His hands out, non threatening.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Calm and direct, the edges of His voice soft.

“I was...”But the words got stuck, stuck somewhere in his throat. Something else climbing up and Tony knew he had to keep his mouth shut or it’d crawl out. And Tony didn’t want it out. Didn’t want to share. It was his. No one else’s. Belonged to him. The smell of the pizza was wafting over but it didn’t make him happy now.

“Anthony?”

Tony tipped his eyes up from the pizza box, met His blue.

“Do you want me to leave?” He was asking.

But Tony was shaking his head, firm and repeatedly. No. Tony didn’t want Him to leave. He was here now and that was how it was supposed to be. Tony wasn’t supposed to be alone. Wasn’t supposed to be...Swallowing, trying hard to breathe. Blood splattering across the wall as Tony’s lip broke for the fourth time, loose tooth falling free, tiny clatter as it hit the floor.

“Anthony look at me.”

But there was no Blue, just hazel and an echo of laughter.

“Gets funnier every time.”Grinning.

Footsteps getting slowly closer.

“Anthony.” Serious and careful.

Hands, fists, chains and pliers. Hands, fists, chains and pliers.

“Hands, fists, chains and pliers.”

Soft, slow breath.

Hands...warm hands. No fists. No fists? Chains? Pliers? Pain? No Pain? No Bug Men? Blinking. No hazel? Blue. Just blue. Quietly level Blue.

“It’s my birthday.”Hushed whisper.

Short nod.

“I don’t want a birthday.” And Tony was pleading, quietly desperate.

“You don’t have to have a birthday.” And He was so serious and Blue. Not hazel, not Sam. No sound, no screaming. No pain, no games, no lies.

“Can I still have the pizza?”

Grinning wide and He was laughing, hand stroking the back of his head, pulling Tony an inch closer, an inch away from the wall.

“You can have the pizza DiNozzo.”

***

 “They tell me you’re okay to go off grounds now, anywhere you want to go?” Casual and relaxed between one mouthful of coffee and the next. He was lounging in the armchair they’d left in the corner by the coffee table. The new room was nice. Much nicer than the old one.

This one had a bigger bed, one big enough to actually accommodate Tony’s size. His feet didn’t hang off the end anymore. He could stretch out at night and never feel the cold metal frame. There still wasn’t a TV but Tony hadn’t expected one. They still controlled everything he saw and the people he encountered. Didn’t want to set off another panic attack that left broken bodies on the floor. Bones and blood...

“Haven’t really thought about it.” Serious, watching Him lean forward to put the coffee cup on the table.

Tony wasn’t really sure he wanted to go out of the hospital yet. He’d been here for...he wasn’t sure how long, longer than he’d been in the Talking Rooms, he was sure of that but he wasn’t sure how long he’d _been_ in the Talking Rooms so it was hard to tell.

“Boss how long...”Throat constricting, swallowing hard. “How long was I in the Talking Rooms? How long have I been here?”

He was only still for a moment, barely a second before He met Tony’s eyes, gauged, decided.

“Six months. You were missing for six months.”And His voice was gentle. He didn’t use that tone as often anymore. “You’ve been here for nine months now Tony.”

“Six months is a long time.”Tony couldn’t...he didn’t want to think about it too much.

He nodded, let out a quiet breath.

“Yeah Tony it is.” Direct, the blue level and calm. Clear despite the touches of red.

He’d been working late again. Two more cases on the run. But He’d stopped by to visit. Hadn’t even bothered to go home yet if Tony was right. Tony was certain he was right.

“You should get some sleep Boss.”

New smile, old smile, one that Tony recognised but hadn’t seen since...before.

“You trying to take care of me now DiNozzo?”

 “You look tired Boss.” Tony’s grin was lazy.

“Alright, I’m going, but you think about where you want to go DiNozzo.” Standing slowly, all mocking and serious.

***

“Aren’t you supposed to lock up all the knives, guns or anything that looks even remotely like a weapon?” Tony’s voice was aiming for light but failing to hide his unease at seeing all the sharp edges in His basement.

“It’s a plane DiNozzo, you planning on...”But He stopped, didn’t say the words. “You aren’t going to hurt me.” And He sounded so sure.

Sure enough it made Tony put the wood plane down and lean back against the work bench. At least the chisels and other pointed tools were missing.

“I could hit you over the head with it.” But Tony was mostly smiling and joking now.

“You won’t hit me DiNozzo.”Taking the plane and using it on His boat. There was barely anything different about it. Still raw wood, shaped like a boat. The same raw wood Tony remembered seeing the last time he was down here. Over a year ago now.

“How long this going to take anyway Boss? Any chance it’ll be finished in...”

“She DiNozzo. You call a boat a _she_. And _she’ll_ be finished when I decide I want _her_ finished.”

“So sometime in the next millennia?”

That earned him a slap to the back of the head.

“Thanks Boss.”And Tony was grinning, open and carefree.

This was the fourth time he’d been away from the hospital. The first time they’d made it to the coffee shop before Tony decided he didn’t like...something, everything, outside, open. It was disjointed and wrong and reminded him of Kate. Of talking to her in a mirrored wall, guilty and confused and waiting, always waiting till he noticed the hazel and the lies and how easy it was to lie too. How good it felt to remember the rules. Blue eyes, His rules. Marine rules and knives.

***

“Gibbs.”A pause. “No. I can’t...yes I know...call...I don’t give a damn! I’m...” Plastic snap. Cursing. Tony could hear it despite the walls between them. He was swearing, kicking off blankets, pulling on pants, shoving His feet into shoes. A long pause and Tony imagined Him running a hand over His mouth, breath slowly exhaling.

A long moment as Tony listened to Him walk down the hall, stopping just inside the door.

“You awake DiNozzo?” His voice was quiet, hoping for a negative or a positive? Tony didn’t know.

“Yeah Boss.”

“I’ve got to...”

“Work. Yeah I heard. I’ll just...” Getting up and feeling around for his clothes in the light from the hallway.

“You don’t have to go back yet, you can...”

Tony’s head reared up, staring wide eyed at Him, he wasn’t afraid, exactly...But...

“Boss you can’t...”

He just glared Tony into silence.

“Right.”When He was sure Tony was listening. “Get your gear, you’re coming with me.”

“Gear? What? Boss, I’m not...”

Another stare.

“Right.”Getting up and pulling clothes on double time, ignoring His footsteps as they took Him back to His room to finish getting dressed. “On your six Boss.” Tony muttered.

“I heard that DiNozzo. Hurry it up!” But Tony could hear the amusement, knew He was smiling the secret smile He hadn’t seen in awhile.

“On it Boss!” Cheerfully yanking his pants on in the dark.

***

“Tony!” McGee was staring, phone hanging from lax fingers.

“I think you’re supposed to be working Probie.” Tony smiled, tried for casual but if He hadn’t pressed His hand into Tony’s back, Tony was sure he’d have bolted by now.

He wasn’t ready for this. This was supposed to be his first night sleeping outside the hospital. Not his first day back at work!

“You better have an update for me McGee. I did not just get out of bed at two in the morning for you to gape at DiNozzo.”

McGee’s mouth hung open.

“Get it together McGee. You have exactly two minutes before you brief me!”

“Two? Boss?” His eyes were swivelling back and forth between them. “Tony?” Obviously confused.

“Two minutes McGee!” As He pushed Tony ahead of Him into the corridor, heading for Abby’s lab.

He was silent till He had Tony seated behind Abby’s desk, hidden inside Abby’s office. If He was right she wouldn’t even come in here for hours. If there was a case there’d be evidence and she’d spend all her time following leads in the lab. Even if He had to fabricate leads for her to follow. Anything to keep her occupied and away from Tony.

“You going to be okay here?”

“Now you’re asking?”And there was a bite of irritation. He watched Tony try to hide his fear and His hand was at the back of Tony’s head before He could stop to think.

“You can do this DiNozzo.”

“I’m not even supposed to be near a computer Gibbs!”

Startled silence and He looked away. Tony was right, He swallowed hard, and if Tony was finally using His name then...

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have...”

But Tony was shaking his head.

“You’re right, I can do this.” A deep breath. “I’ll just...I’ll surf the net for porn or something.” Then Tony was grinning that open, cheeky grin He hadn’t seen in...so long.

“Alright. I’ll just, I’ll be right...”

“You’re babbling Boss.”The grin was getting out of control now and it was pure reflex to smack him upside the head.

“Behave! I’ll be back for you later.”

Tony laughed.

“I’ll be here Boss, you better get going before McGee wets himself.”

Another gentle smack.

“You stay outta trouble.”

“Not a chance in hell.” Another cheeky grin as Tony turned towards the computer, firmly ignoring the sound of His footsteps as they left him alone.

 

***

Tony found Solitaire within five minutes and Minesweeper thirty seconds later but he couldn’t seem to find...maybe if he looked online. He wasn’t supposed to be on a computer, any computer, let alone online but he could avoid all the things he didn’t want to see. It had taken awhile but Tony knew how to navigate a computer and the internet now. Even if his doctors didn’t know that yet. He was pretty sure Gibbs knew. And it was weird. To finally say it. Say His name out loud. Not just Boss. He’d always been Boss and had always been Him, but He was also Gibbs. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. And there was something, something comforting in that.

***

Tony was playing tetras, he’d found it online, when Abby wandered in looking for...Looking for something...Something decidedly Not Tony, and found Tony instead. The gasp was a little over dramatic but the quick step back was probably... it probably wasn’t called for but Tony knew it possibly was. He had vague memories of screaming, snarling, throwing himself at the door and splitting his lip open on the observation window as he impacted. He could remember the taste of his own blood. But by then the taste was familiar. Not welcome but...

Abby was staring, hand shaking, fumbling at the door.

“Tony?” Disbelief. Part fear.

“Hi Abbs.”All cheer. Like this was any other day where he’d be hiding out in her office playing tetras, waiting for Gibbs to come back, take him home.

“Tony you’re...”She was breathless.

He waited, patient and still. He didn’t want to scare her, last time he’d probably scared her. Probably traumatised her for life. She hadn’t visited again. Neither had Ducky. But Ducky had a reason, Ducky he’d actually hurt. Had practically ripped his arms off pinning him to the bed.

“Gibb’s...”He began to quietly explain.

“Told Abby to keep working on the crime scene photo’s.” And He was brushing past her to get through the door, tall coffee cup in hand, stopping halfway between them. His body carefully angled to keep Abby at bay. Away from Tony. Keep her closer to the door. “Abby?”

“I just needed...”

“To get back to work Abby.”Level, quietly deterring further questions.

“It’s alright Boss.”Tony’s voice was soft. “I can get out of the way. Abby probably needs her office back.”

“No! No I just needed to get...it’s right...”Pointing at the cabinet behind Tony’s head. “The little square thingy, with the round shallow holes. Yeah! Yes! That’s the one!”As Tony turned and picked it up. “Great! I’ll just...”Stepping forward then stalling as Gibbs reached back for the ceramic tile, stopping her with a fixed glare.

Silence. Tony didn’t move. Gibbs had to release his gaze on Abby to turn and stare at...Tony standing, head bowed.

“Boss I’m pretty sure I can...” But he sounded so lost, unsure of himself, the laughing, cheeky grin gone. A tilt of his head and his eyes rolled up. “I’m not going to...”

“Of course you’re not! Give her the damn thing.”Impatient. Even as He was stepping out of the way.

Tony took a careful step sideways, sliding from behind her slowly revolving chair.

“Here Abbs.”Reaching out to pass her the tile, casually smiling. And if it was only a shade of his previous smile there was still a little cheekiness there. He couldn’t hide all the pain, but her careful smile made it worth the try.

“Thanks Tony.” The heat from her fingers almost made him drop the tile but then they were gone and she wasn’t flinching. Just looking sad and excited and blushing. “I’ll get back to work.”Another pause. “It’s good to see you Tony.” And he knew she meant every word.

“Good to see you too Abbs.” Even if he was mixing fear with relief as he watched her turn and go.

“How you doing DiNozzo?”His voice was quiet, soft footfalls moving Him into view.

The hand was expected and Tony was craving it, needing it. Too much, too soon, not enough. Everything familiar and raw.

“I don’t know Boss.”Honest, meeting His blue eyed stare.

“You can do this Tony. I know that, but any time you want to leave...”

Wide startled eyes. Tony watched as His head tilted a little, lips twitching into a bitter smile.

“You don’t have to be here, this isn’t your job right now, you can...”

“And later?”

A frown. His brows tightening together.

“Later we go home and try to get some sleep.”

“I’m not coming back to work, am I Boss?” Tony’s voice so quiet, watching His mouth get tight.

“I don’t know Tony.”And there were no lies, no hazel inside the blue. Just a momentary flinch and a sigh.

The bile tasted bitter, heaving hurt his sides. There must have been a mess but He held him anyway. Hands gentle, His body holding him together as he flew apart on the inside.

***

There were snatches of conversation, movement and light. But His hands were always there. Except for that moment His cell phone impacted, shattered into bright sound, dull light. Heat stroking, resting, pulling him closer, upright. Getting them moving through the squad room. Holding him in the back seat. Talking to a completely serious McGeek who was driving.

“It’s going to be alright Tony, just sit still, stay calm.”

“I am calm Boss.”

Because Tony was. He was calmer than he’d been in days, weeks, months. Except there was the crawling panic, creeping up his chest, fighting its way down his throat, out his mouth.

“You have to take the numbers Boss, I won’t remember them, you have to take them. Where’s your cell Boss, I’ll write them down.”

“Tony?”

And there was Blue eyes, Blue eyes splashed over with light. Darkness flashing then light. Dark, light, dark, light. They were moving. Couldn’t be moving. Tony couldn’t be moving he was...

“Yeah Boss?”

They were going to be back any minute, he had to do this now.

“Tony you’re home.”

A snorting laugh.

“No I’m not.” But still grinning just to see Him. He could take the numbers, He could make it stop.

“I don’t want your damn numbers Tony.”

“Take the numbers before I forget them Boss. If I forget then there’s no point. None of it will have a point.”

“Tony...” And His head was shaking, silver shining in the passing light.

“Just take the damn numbers!”Snapping.

And Tony watched him breathe deep, slow, His jaw was set and Tony knew He was angry but holding out His cell anyway. Because Tony needed Him to hurry. He had to know the numbers. Tony was going to forget. They were his numbers, his numbers! But he was going to forget! Fingers scrabbling over a keypad, murmuring random ones out loud.

“You’ll keep them safe won’t you?” As he pressed a second string below the third.

“I’ll keep them safe.” So serious, calm, His hand stroking counterpoint to the sounds. Keypad beeping soft but loud.

“Because I’ll forget them, I’ll crack.”

“No you won’t. You didn’t crack. Tony. You didn’t...”

“Shut up! They’re coming back!”

Tony could hear the door creaking open, just a moment, just one moment more.

“I was going to come back Boss.” Desperate, staring into His blue. “I promised, I was going to come back.”

***

“Shouldn’t we take him to the hospital Boss?” McGee was unsure, watching Gibbs hold Tony upright as Tony tapped fingers against His palm.

“Help me get him upstairs.”

“Boss I don’t think that’s...Right I’ll just...”

“Get the damned door McGee.”

“Getting the door.”

Tony was aware enough to keep moving, Gibbs just kept him upright, pushed him forward, shoved, dragged him up the stairs, McGee under his other arm, keeping them balanced.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Just help me get him on the bed.”

“Ah Boss, he’s still covered in...”

“Right, shower first.”

Tony could feel His hands stripping him down. It wasn’t a memory that made sense. Careful but efficient. He’d never done this before. Never...

“No no no no no...”

“Hold him McGee.”

“Boss I really, really think we should…”

But He was staring, glaring as He bared His own skin. Shirt, pants, socks after sneakers. Tony got quiet then. Just watching.

“Get back to the office, I want you running the case from...”

“The Probie?”

Silence sudden and so still. They were both turning slowly, watching him grin.

“You’re letting the Probie run the show? Come on Boss? He’s just a...”

“McGee’s an Agent now.” And His voice was even, there was no trace of hazel, just blue.

“Really?” Blinking at Him, then smiling brightly at McGee. “Well good for you Probie.”

“Boss?”So unsure.

“Go!” Impatient.

***

“I like that.”Grinning.

“Why am I not surprised.” But Tony could hear His secret smile, ignore the eye rolling impatience.

Water splashing down his back, dripping into his eyes and the whole time He was running hands over Tony’s body. Washing off sweat, washing off grime. Tony smelled dirty. No blood, or piss but acid, vomit.

“I didn’t puke on a body, did I?”

Twisting closer, pressing harder into His hands. Hands which were turning him into the water, rinsing Tony down.

“Nope.”

“Come on Gibbs.”Beguiling smile.

A grunt followed by a mutter.

“It wasn’t...I didn’t...” And Tony was getting worried now.

Soft expression.

“Nothing’s wrong Tony. You just...”

But there was hazel in His eyes.

“Don’t lie.”Suddenly tense and hurt and angry.

A quick glance away.

“What’d I do?” Tony didn’t want lies.

“You puked on Abby’s floor.”

“Why?” Determined.

“Let it go Tony. Not tonight.” Level staring, He was trying to get him out of the shower.

“No. Tell me.” He wasn’t moving until he got answers. Arms crossing over his chest.

“Tony you’re naked and wet in my shower.”Exasperated.

“And you’re avoiding my question.”

“Will you put some clothes on if I tell you?” Stalling for time.

“Quit stalling and don’t lie.”

Cursing, glaring. 

“Fine.” But He just walked out of the shower and left him behind.

***

No hazel, no lies. No guarantee of chances. Just a maybe in blue eyes.

***

“Hi Tony.” Her knock was tentative.“Is it...” A shaky breath. “Is it okay if I visit?”

Abby was standing in Tony’s doorway, knee high platforms, short pleated skirt, rock band t-shirt, her hair twisted into tiny horns on the top of her head. Black, black, and black on black. Tony couldn’t help but smile as he tossed his magazine onto the table. It was good to see her, good to see her _here_.

“What does Gibbs say?” Already deciding he didn’t care.

“He lifted the ban.” And she was grinning, then hesitant. “The super strict one about no visitors. But...you know, only if you want them. And if now isn’t a good time I can always come back later or...”

The wash of babble was familiar.

“It’s good to see you Abby.” Smiling, completely serious.

“It’s really good to see you too Tony. I’ve been worried but Gibbs, he made us, and...”

“You came anyway.”Soft but direct, watching her squirm.

“I know and I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have, I should have waited but I wanted...”

He could remember the hate, the anger, so much rage.

“You coming in?” Waving towards the sofa.

“Then you forgive me?”And she sounded so sincere.

***

McGee was next. Early, just after Tony’s morning run.

“More visitors!”Grinning broadly. “So why you here Probie? Shouldn’t you be out working? Solving the big cases?”

“I ah...the Boss, he’s got us on standby. No new cases so...”

“And you’re wasting your leave time coming here?”Eye brow raised in mocking.

“It’s not. I’m not wasting my time by coming here Tony. I wanted to come before but Gibbs he...”

“Padlocked the hospital gates, yeah Abby told me. Probably a good idea. Ducky tell you what happened?”

McGee’s face was suffused with surprise and confusion.

“I’ll take that as a no.” But Tony was still smiling. “It’s fine Probie, wasn’t really good company back then. Gibbs made the right call.”

“Then you don’t mind?” And he looked so unsure. Tony remembered that look, McGee had spent a lot of time looking unsure.

“Why would I mind?”Smiling and waving him inside. “And tell me you have other plans for the weekend. All work, no play makes McGee a boring boy.”

***

Tony dreamed of clubs now, of women and soft curves. Dark kisses, loud music, sliding between sheets, into beds not his own. It wasn’t new, he’d had those dreams before but something about it was new. There were new dreams with secret smiles now. Wanting dreams. Wanting...but Tony wasn’t supposed to want. Want Him. And in them He didn’t stay away, didn’t make Tony stay away. So Tony’s hands were always wandering. Which set Tony to wondering now. Made Tony want to send his fingers sneaking under His t-shirt as He sanded. Or stroke a hand along His spine as they fought for a ball.

It was new and old and aching. Like wanting and having and wanting more. Tony wanted more. Wanted skin. Wanted another chance to puke in Abby’s office, get dirty. Any chance to get Him to clean Tony off, strip him down. Tony really wanted another shower where he could pay more attention. Not be distracted by lies.

***

“Hello Tony.”

This was the one Tony had really been waiting for. Quiet female voice, low footfalls, no hesitating sounds.

“Ziva.” He acknowledged. “Was wondering when you’d show up, seems to be open season in Tony town.”

She was still small and graceful and everything brown. She came so close to hazel, but still she was brown.

“I thought I’d wait till everyone else had had their visit.”

He nodded, watched her walk across the room, sink into the armchair across from the couch.

“I guess I should be thanking you.” He began, serious and level, something he’d re-learnt from Gibbs.

That startled her, made her hesitate.

“Why would you need to...”

“Your contacts, I’m assuming some sort of underground. You’re a goldmine for that sort of information.”

“Tony you don’t think...” And she actually sounded worried, but there no hazel, no lies.

He laughed, smiled.

“Like you’d lower yourself to that sort of thing.” Waving it away.

He watched her pale.

“I am sorry Tony. It shouldn’t have taken so long, we were searching...”

“Night and day. Six months. McGee filled me in. Don’t worry Zeeva.”Letting her name roll out. “I know it’s not your thing. I believe you.”

“But you had to ask anyway.” Real regret tainting her now.

“McGee’s easily lead.”

“Do you want me to go?” Honest. Always brown. Her eyes would only ever be brown, he knew that now.

“No. I want you to tell me something, you won’t lie to me like everyone else.”

“Tony I...” Protesting.

“No, I meant that. I wasn’t sniping. I want to know if there’s any chance they’ll let me come back to work.”

Searching, seeking, hoping. He was even praying. Gibbs kept deflecting, as much as he was being honest. Tony couldn’t pin him down. And McGee, Abby, they were too naive to  help much. But Ziva, she wasn’t naive, she was realistic as hell.

“I assume you’ve spoken to Gibbs about this, yes?”

Tony nodded.

“I want to hear what you think.”

“Tony I don’t think I...”

“It’s driving me crazy Ziva...”Which made him laugh, mirthless and loud. “Which is funny considering.”

“Tony.” A soft smile. “You’re not crazy.”

“So tell me Ziva, how do you see this going down?”

She didn’t look away, just kept his gaze and he watching her seriously consider it.

“They’ll give you a desk job. Gibbs has been keeping the director updated on your input, we all know about your ideas. Even the wild ones. Especially the good ones. Everyone knows you can still do your job Tony, it’s just the field work they’re worried about.”

Tony nodded.

“Thank you Ziva.” Smiling but looking down.

“I am surprised Gibbs hasn’t told you.” And she sounded genuinely confused.

“Doesn’t want to get my hopes up.” He shrugged, gave her a twisted smile. Then guilt flashed through his eyes. “I ah, wouldn’t tell him we’ve talked about it if I were you.”

“Ah.” A little flash of something as her mouth closed tight. “Sacrificial Lamb.”

Tony looked puzzled.

“Nothing. I’ll be sure not to mention it.”

***

“Is Ducky avoiding me or did you tell him he couldn’t visit?”

Tony watched Him turn His head, He was warm all up and down Tony’s side. More Tony’s idea but He hadn’t moved away. But now He was staring.

“It’s just that Abby, Ziva and McGee have come by but Ducky hasn’t so I was starting to wonder.”

They were sitting on His couch. Tony spent most of his time living in His spare room now. The hospital seemed to think it was safe to let him out three, four times a week, and He seemed to think it was safe to leave Tony alone at night. Even if He got called out to crime scenes. He’d even unlocked all the knives and tool drawers but Tony hadn’t seen His guns, wasn’t even curious where He kept them locked up whilst Tony was here. In the beginning, seeing all the knives had been disconcerting. The nurses wouldn’t give Tony anything more solid than a plastic knife, where He expected Tony to cut up food in the kitchen.

“You really think I’d tell Duck to stay away?”

“Did you?” Leaning back to watch His eyes.

“In the beginning, yeah I did.” Honest but not repentant. He’d had good reason to keep him away. “But lately, no.”

“But you haven’t told him to come round either?” Trying to make it clearer, trying to make it make sense.

“Is this just your way of saying you want to see Ducky cause I’m pretty sure he’d be happy to meet us for lunch.”

“Would he come?”

“Is this about...Tony you were out of your mind! Ducky knows that.”Watching Tony closely and wondering. “Do you?”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not going to forget it Boss.” Irritated.

“So! It was expected.”But His voice dropped. “Tony you were tortured for six damn months. They broke you down, toyed with your mind. But you’re not like that anymore, anytime you want to check out of that hospital, you can.”

Tony flinched, looked away, watched the TV for awhile, listened to Gibbs sigh.

“I don’t know where to go.” Hushed voice soft, almost lost.

“Are you kidding me?” Voice raised in disbelief.

“Boss I...” Turning to see Him roll His eyes.

“You’ve been living here for...”

“I can stay?” Hope, undiluted, wide eyed.

“Well, yeah!” Sharp slap to Tony’s forehead. “DiNozzo you’re an idiot.”

But Tony was grinning.

“Thanks Boss.”

“You ever pull a stunt like that again I’ll slap you so hard you will lose your mind.” The secret smile was back again. “And for Christ’s sake go call Ducky, he’s waited long enough.”


End file.
